Trial and error, trial and error.
My life seems to be that of a grand experiment. One that is continuously trying new avenues to accomplish the things I feel called to do.
It’s exciting because I get to try a new way when something doesn’t fit right and throw it out when it doesn’t. It’s discouraging because a lot of times I’m left feeling that I’ll never get it right. Or wondering if I’m brave, strong, and vulnerable enough to put my heart out there.
This extreme need that is deep within me to discover the truest parts of me and to thrive while operating in my gifts is a guiding post of sorts. I know this is where I’ll thrive. It’s a red flag in that I know my self-worth is off kilter. Needing to be addressed. Needing to be brought into the light. When I see women putting themselves out there or putting themselves “in the arena”, as Brené Brown would say, I get so excited and inspired that they are following what makes their heart BEAT. Opinions be damned! It’s brave, it’s victorious, it’s kick-ass!
Why don’t I do that I wonder? What makes me stop from putting my feelings, desires, gifts, and thoughts out there? Why can’t I be like them?
Well, I can. This red flag that I see come up within me is going to be addressed. The shying away is going to be questioned. I am not disqualified from my own gifts. I am not unworthy of them, because they are my own. With my own nuances, my own mixture of spice that no one else quite has.
I could stay longer in this box of doubt and feelings of unworthiness, but I’m done. Plain and simple.
One of my dear friend said something in passing to me and I haven’t gotten out of my head. She said, “human beings are always trying to fight against what’s handed to them.” This gift I’ve been handed, with no strings attached, that pulses and flows through me. One that I tried to stop and silence is too great to be silenced anymore. My voice has to be tuned in the way I feel led to tune it. I’m not going to stop the river within me from flowing any longer. I’m letting go. I’m trusting. I’m going to accept and open my gift that’s in front of me.