When I was younger I got the impression that fear was all bad. That when I felt afraid, I needed to heed it’s warnings and step back. WAY BACK. That it was my way of knowing when to not get involved in the dance and to stay away from the intricate flow of life. I held this belief for a long time before I started to question it. About five years ago I had this new thought that emerged out of an emotional scarcity and of a time in my life where everything had become a struggle. Where my every day life was shrouded with depression and fear of everything.
“What if fear was a gift of sorts? What if fear was the guiding post to the things that I needed to seek out and do? That fear was the means to reclaim my potency in my own life?”
The idea was freeing! Because until that point I had a huge weight on my shoulders that fear held me and was weighing me down. That I was “less then” because of fear. The other side of this was that fear, in it’s own weird way, could be the opportunity to grow and change. That i had the ultimate upper hand was a revelation. That I could seek out the areas that I knew needed to be confronted and to dig deep down and expand my heart and the possibilities that lie within me.
I had a tool to change!
Fear wasn’t my oppressor any longer but was transformed into a seeker or finder of the places I needed to go, the ideas I needed to entertain (maybe to believe in my worthiness a little more), the beliefs I needed to let go of, the very avenues I needed to address. One of them, the biggest, was people.
With my past experiences and people I’d been left beaten and bruised. Most all of my relationships had been torn apart and they had been abusive. I had been the victim on my life. As a protest to this and never wanting to be the victim again. I had made a pact with myself to never let people in. To never fully allow me to love and in turn, to not allow them to hurt me anymore.
I didn’t fully understand the ramifications to this deal I had made until I decided to let it go. But the fact that this was the major area that I feared would prove to indeed be the area my gift would lie in. I had to take time to unravel the reasons behind this. To forgive and release myself from the hurts I had held onto for too long.
As I did this I faced my fear head on and opened myself more to people, I became more alive, more vibrant. I also felt more powerful for meeting my fear head on and putting it in its place. I found fear to be an imposter. Saying things that had no foundation.
So I moved more into fears face and demanded founded justification for the words it was throwing around.
I turned completely around in my held fear of people. I found life and a full heart in being around people. I found purpose and meaning within myself from learning where people came from and above all I learned and found that they too were hurting and I wasn’t alone.
Indeed I was with them and they with me.
Now people give me life and abundance. I have found my heart in them and the dance that scared me is now giving me life.
When I find it hard to be around another person or I find that my fear crops up and I want to run away, I know that fear needs to be questioned again and I need to open my heart to understanding and acceptance. That I need more work, because perfect love cast out all fear.